| For the first time in a long time. |
[10 Dec 2008|03:34am] |
I am afraid.
All I can think about are things that have nothing to do with right now.
Taking the #1 bus at 6:45 in the morning to go to Spot Coffee before school with Josh Johnson.
Listening to this one particular Grade song called "Days Just Wave Goodbye" that has the most amazing chorus I've ever heard.
The sound of the snow crunching under my feat while I listened to AFI cd's at the bus stop in 10th grade.
Cardigans, and Axe body spray.
Evergreen Terrace. I'm not sure why I ever liked them...but they're just a band that sticks in my head.
The Carter II.
Aaron Fisher and the New Years we spent in his Lumina. Not doing anything gay.
I am afraid because I have opportunities and dreams and goals, yet do not push to make them a reality.
It is a harsh truth for me to confront myself with. I feel like the more people I hear say "You have potential" or think that I'm going to make something of myself are WRONG.
I'm not sitting here bummed out on myself or anything. I couldn't ask for a better situation as far as my entire life goes. Perfect girlfriend, perfect job, perfect friends, perfect family, etc. etc. etc. I'm just afraid that down the line, I'm going to be just...another blip on the map.
I am afraid that I won't do anything musically that amounts to more than a few kids coming out to a show, or spending money on recording a record that will sit in my CD book, and be fun to give to my friends and see what they think. This is my blood. It is my passion. It is my heart. But I am not pushing back the way I should be. I feel like I've been at this for so long...and I'll never get the break I desire, or be able to work hard enough to make it happen for myself.
I am not afraid of failure. I am afraid of not trying.
Basically, the point is...Guns Of Camden is like, the most empirical and honest account of my feelings, my past, my hopes, my anger, my sadness, my future, my happiness, my LIFE. Every chord, every word, every time I sit behind my drums and play and try to spark the same emotions the songs intend to instill in others in myself. IT IS MY VOICE. But it is so stale...and I don't think I'd be capable of getting involved in anything else after this because the emotional investment is too great, and I know in my heart that unless this band is the avenue...I will never be able to truly express myself to the point that I see fit. I would have given up by default, because I feel that no matter how hard or how long I try, what I've done, or what I could continue to do with GOC as the venue, is all that I'm worth. However, Guns Of Camden has become a routine. One that is for lack of a better word...lame.
On one hand, I feel like there's been so much effort put into this whole thing that we should be SOMEWHERE by now.
The other hand tells me we haven't done jack shit for ourselves, so I should shut my mouth.
If I was really trying hard, what would I be doing differently? Flyering every single show I go to? Begging people to buy tickets to shows that are overpriced and have horrible bands on the bill, just to support us? I wish i felt like we had actual fans. Not just friends of ours who are willing to support. Everyone has their cliche' stories about the way things were back when this or that was going on...I say why not now? If it's about the message, and it's about the bond...Why isn't EVERYONE at shows all the time?
I've seen so much talent. So much drive. So much genuine feeling put behind the words and the music that these young bands I've played with that it drives me crazy when people don't show up.
I can't tell if I'm inspired to change things or not. I feel like I am...but then again, I might just be inspired to quit GOC because I know it will stop the stress and stop this thing from eating itself from the inside out. I'll miss it, but I'd rather kick myself over it than be stuck in this limbo.
Please like my band. I will pay you.
The thing is...like I said before...I have a great life. I enjoy everything about it, and for the first time in what feels close to forever, I can say that I really feel content and happy with the way things are, and where they're headed. It just bothers me that hardcore, or punk music, or the scene, or the shows, my band, your band, bands that have changed my life, bands I fucking hate, or whatever else you can attribute to that commonality is such a huge part of my life...and it's just dying. It's been dying for so long.
I want to make a change.
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| Oh Hi...I didn't see you there. |
[29 Nov 2008|11:58am] |
It's been about two years now since i've updated this...or even had a livejournal. I can't believe this thing exists, let alone the fact that I remembered the password. Either way, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, because let's face it...In addition to this being my first post in forever, this is also the last time I'll probably ever post something in a livejournal. Not to mention, livejournals are totally gay.
I just want to say that despite everything I read in my previous entries, and my friend's who also ditched their livejournals years ago, I have learned but one thing.
What I have learned can't really be put into words. There's no real way to sum it up. All I know is that being alive, and truly existing is important. Every second is another chance, and for as cliche' as that sounds...it's a cliche' because it used to mean something.
To me it still does.
I see before my eyes how people and things change, but you know what? I accept it. That is life, and will continue to be life long after I'm gone.
Nothing much is certain except the fact that you are responsible for yourself. So whatever job you hate, person or group of people you dislike, or whatever else is causing you to be anything but happy...It's up to you to make a change.
Looking back on all that stuff was really weird. I mean, I almost remember writing those things. And if not exactly remembering writing them, I remember the feelings I had while writing them. I remember how I felt when I wrote "This New Years was the worst I've ever had...but that's alright because Aaron Fisher is my best friend. So it's all good."
I remember more than I thought I would. Even things I'd really like to forget.
But it's about RIGHT NOW. Not 2 years ago. Not 6 years ago. Not anything but this very moment.
Currently, I am in love with the girl of my dreams. The girl I chased without her ever knowing it. The girl who was in my head and in my heart at a time where we didn't even speak. Every single day, my love for her grew. Now I have the chance to be her boyfriend...and it is the most fulfilling thing I've ever experienced. This is true love. I owe my parents $5,000 because I smashed their car, but I couldn't be happier. I still have great friends, I still have a great time playing music. I'm done with school (for now) and I have a job that drives me insane, but I couldn't ask for a better position or situation.
But I'm not just happy because of the circumstances...or the hand I've been dealt lately. I've figured myself out to the point where who I am, and who I'm striving to be are getting closer and closer to shaking hands for the first time. I am Godless, but this experience is a gift indefinitely. It's incredible to wake up in the morning...and I will never take advantage of that, or the people around me ever again.
April, I'm sorry about the things that happened all that time ago. I regret it, but not wholeheartedly. Because somehow, all that put us on a path that brought us together. I couldn't have wished for someone like you. You're everything I could have ever hoped for in a human being, let alone a girlfriend. I love you, and I love you. And, I love you.
-Mike
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